Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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