i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
