so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I will die if light touches me.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
