theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize