went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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