You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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