By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
