i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
