She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
