the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
