Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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