if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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