Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
