So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
