Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
