Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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