my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
