half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
