Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
