Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
