she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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