I just saw a hot homeless man
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
