I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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