He disabled his match.com account in front of me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Randomize
