I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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