She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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