Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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