do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
