you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
