There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
