Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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