That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
