sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
