I faked an abortion last night.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
