So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
thus making me awesome and them whores
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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