I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
