i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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