She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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