My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
