i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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