Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
