dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
