I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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