It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
