I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
