Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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