Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
