I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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