I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize