Sorry, I don't speak sober.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
