Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
