I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
