Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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