I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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