I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
