I accidentally burped into my bong.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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