I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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