I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
