I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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