I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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