go do what you do best...puke behind churches
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
