Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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