Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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