how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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